Lainey: It’s easy but it’s not hard

It’s easy but it’s not hard
October 6, 2008

Caution right off the top – if you’re the prudey type, some details here are not for you. Click away or hold your peace. Don’t be emailing me with a lewd complaint since you were given ample warning.

Celebrities are surrounded all the time by beautiful women. Especially him. He boasts an impressive track record, minus one infection, and so you would think, for a regular, non famous girl, even a really, really beautiful non famous girl, it would be an insurmountable obstacle to catch his eye…right?

Not so.

But just because it’s easy to attract him doesn’t mean it’s easy to … pleasure him. Turns out his libido doesn’t quite match up to the legend. And his prowess isn’t exactly the smoothest either. SO disappointing.

She and her girlfriends found him at a club in Vegas recently. Danced in front of his booth and eventually caught his eye. He sent over the bodyguard, they were invited to join, and soon everyone ended up in his suite, even though he’s supposed to have a sexy steady. On this night however he was playing single.

First he asked his evening’s target to give him a massage. She obliged. Eventually they ended up alone in his room. Making out turned to sex. He used a condom and went through the conventional motions. Highly unimaginative and even a little… gross?

Apparently our superstar superstud releases the most unpleasant sound effects. Grunts and groans and straight up no rhythm pounding, making it clear that without a cinematographer and a world class director, he isn’t exactly the undercover loverboy we all believed he was.

Like, no moves whatsoever.

Needless to say, his lame technique wasn’t getting him anywhere, so in relief he asked her to fondle his boys instead. By boys I mean balls. A gorgeous, willing girl in his bed, game for anything… and in the end he could only finish in his own hand in front of her.

Too much champagne, I guess. But still… dude… if this is how you stray, you might need to work on your alcohol to erection ratio. This kind of thing is an embarrassment.